National Parks closed for remajestification

The Onion reports that the National Park system will be closed during their annual touch ups this week. I say thank God, they’ve been getting a bit tarnished with this late cool weather blast.

“It’s that time of year again when we roll up our sleeves and begin the painstaking task of resplendoring our parks,” Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said. “After a long off-season, the foliage has grown lackluster, our mountain streams have lost their crystal clarity, and even the sparrows’ songs are flat and desultory. So please excuse the noise and dust as we prepare our country’s scenic wonders for their grand reopening on Memorial Day.”

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